Remember: You are a PRIZE..& the PRIZE doesn’t pursue the MAN..the MAN pursues the PRIZE! #KnowYourWorth

I saw this post on Twitter a few days ago and it struck a chord with me… for a couple of reasons:

At first I thought YESSSS!! Women are awesome and deserve to be treated as such. Then I really started thinking about it and I’m not sure if I agree with the whole PRIZE/ pursue theology here.

How about this instead – YOU are a quality human being, regardless of gender, and deserve to be treated as such. With that in mind, try this on:

First: Consider that we’re all “The PRIZE” and we all deserve to be treated with respect and appreciation. You need to BE the prize you want to be treated like. Often times I see people waiting for an external factor to make them feel like a prize, meaning make them feel like they’re worth it or loveable. I promise, if you don’t believe it yourself and therefore act like it you won’t get treated like one…

Second: You have to treat others the way you want to be treated. If the word “PRIZE” lines up to describe how you want to be treated then great! If not, who cares, just figure out how you want to be treated and treat others with the same regard. If you want to be respected and appreciated, then treat other people that way. If you want compassion and acceptance then guess what – you’ve gotta put that out there for others before you have a right to expect it back.

We human beings spend so much time stuck in “What’s in it for me” that we often miss out on great opportunities. If you stop waiting to see what people are going to give you and start giving (respect, appreciation, compassion WHICH DOESN’T COST YOU ANYTHING!!) to others you’ll be amazed at what comes back to you.

Now with regards to this whole pursuing issue… well… like it or not there are certain roles that men and women play in relationships that help to keep the sexual polarity alive – read chemistry here. Ladies, you need to be pursuable… that means open and willing. Gents, like it or not, you get to do the pursuing, that means man-up and put yourself out there. I know that seems daunting sometimes but consider that if you’re freaking out about “what if they reject me” then you’re putting your power in their hands. If you have a truly grounded sense of self -worth, then some chick who can’t see the value in you won’t rock your boat an inch.

We all want it right? That really great relationship with a partner that just “gets” us. Funny how even though it’s what we want the most, it seems to be one of the hardest things in the world for us human beings to create. Even those people who manage to create and maintain a relationship, it’s not often that true connection – that “all-the-way-trust” – exists in entirety.

Whether we’re wanting a relationship, in the process of getting to know someone, or actually in a long-term relationship, allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to fully trust your partner is seemingly one of the scariest things we’ll ever face. Most of the time we don’t even recognize that we’re afraid. Most of the time we cover up the reality of our fear with a bunch of stories, explanations, excuses, and justifications about why we don’t have the connection we want – but really we’re just big chickens.

It’s kind of messed up when you start to look at the truth of the situation… we want to be loved more than anything (I don’t care who you are! And if that doesn’t resonate for you, my suspicion is you’re lying to yourself as a cover up in order to not face the discomfort of letting someone actually SEE you) yet we create these dynamic facades that prevent us from attaining that which we deeply desire.

I’m here to tell you the only way to get through to the other side and actually experience the type of relationship you’re after, is to bust down the wall and walk right through the fire. Sure you can mess around making someone jump through hoops to try and prove they’re trustworthy but it’s not really about them anyway. What’s really there is your concern for one of two things:

1. Whether they would stick with you if they really knew all about you.
2. If you did let them in and they ended up leaving you, could you handle it?

In order for either of those concerns to stop paralyzing you in creating connection with other people, you’ve gotta give up the self judgment. We’ve all made mistakes, we’ve all got skeletons in our closets, we’re all afraid of someone judging us, we’re all afraid of someone saying “I don’t love you”. GET that the problem isn’t out there with other people, the problem lies within you and the fact that YOU are your harshest critic! Usually when you come clean about that horrible thing you’re afraid of people finding out about, all you get on the other side is compassion for how hard you’ve been on yourself. When you consider that all of us are really seeking to be connected and related to others, and you think about what you’re willing to forgive or overlook in someone else, you can see that compassion will likely be reciprocated to you.

The caveat here being that you’re making reasonable choices in whom you’re sharing yourself with… If someone has said “no thank-you” to you in some way, shape, or form yet you still try to force your way in – well that’s just a recipe for disaster and an opportunity to continue believing it’s other people you can’t trust. In that case it’s really just you with poor common sense and judgment you can’t count on.

Bottom line? You’re the only one who can take that first step… you’re the only one who can choose to let go of your self judgment and whatever defense mechanisms you’ve created to convince yourself that’s not what’s keeping you from the relationship you want, and take a leap of faith.

Sometimes you’ve gotta bet on yourself….

When was the last time you really looked at how honest and direct you are with your communication? Lots of us think we’re really good at saying what we mean and meaning what we say however the number of disagreements and conflicts we encounter on a regular basis would indicate otherwise. What I’m talking about is some good, honest ‘straight talk’.

What is it? When we do it? What gets in the way when we don’t?

Speaking your truth is not always an easy thing to master and it’s not nearly as ‘surface’ an issue as you might think.

When I first started looking at straight talk, I was coming from a reactionary place due to the frustration I was experiencing from people in my life not saying what they really meant. It was maddening! I could tell that so many of the people I interacted with were only saying half of what was really there for them in a situation, or they were agreeing to do things they didn’t want to do, or they were shoving aside their real feelings to accommodate the feelings of someone else. It was making me crazy!! Come on people! What are you thinking! You’ll never get the life you want if you don’t speak up!! What are you waiting for??

Then of course a dear friend reminded me of the FACT that whatever you can’t be with in someone else is something you can’t be with in yourself. I had to stop and look at that. What was it that I found so infuriating about the people in my life stuffing their feelings? I had always thought I was extremely communicative and articulate when it came to talking about how I felt. It took me the better part of a year to really start to unravel this mystery… I started paying very close attention to when I was and I wasn’t speaking my truth. One of the things that became more and more clear to me was how much I have stuffed my truth down in the past.

As it turned out, although I had been really good (and I mean STELLAR) at explaining my side of the story or getting across my feelings, I’d been crap at actually identifying how I felt. I’d been really good at figuring out how I should feel or what I should be thinking and then make a great argument for it, however really bad at actually identifying what was going on for me. When I finally figured this out it kind of knocked me on my butt for awhile. To be honest, it shook me to my core. My communication skills were one of the things I prided myself on. My ability to explain things and connect people to ideas and concepts and be articulate was a major part of who I thought I was! How could it be true that although I was really good at stringing sentences together and being a really quick and clever thinker, I was really horrible at identifying how I actually felt and what I actually wanted. Then add to that a seemingly spineless ability to verbalize it once I had figured out what I was feeling.

I’m much better at identifying and speaking my truth. I’m still not perfect at it, actually I have a ways to go. It’s been a real journey getting to here but it’s been worth every bit of effort I’ve had to put in.

How are you at speaking your truth? Will you make the first move because that’s what you’re inspired to do? Or will you hold back for fear of looking foolish? Will you risk telling someone you like them or that they hurt your feelings? Or will you stuff what you really think or need and wait for them to figure out what’s going on for you?

Where are you at with speaking your truth?

Do you remember that experience off jumping of the “high diving board” for the first time? I’m not talking about the high diving platform, I mean the 3m diving board at most of your local swimming pools.

I remember one of the first times I jumped off… I was terrified! I didn’t realize until I got up there and looked down, how high I actually was. I wasn’t an especially gifted swimmer either so of course there was a fear of drowning. When I was standing at the edge of the springboard I remember thinking to myself: “Well I can’t climb back down because that would be admitting defeat and I can’t stay up here forever… my only option is to jump.” Regardless of how terrified I was – guess what! – I lived to tell the tale. You know what else? Jumping off the high diving board got easier every time I did it…

Why am I telling you this? Because I’m working on painting a metaphor here.

Consider that most of us look at the idea of striking up a conversation with someone you don’t know, with the same fear and trepidation that showed up the first time you jumped off the high diving board.

Yes, when you’ve never done something before (or have done it rarely and without conscious intention) then it’s uncomfortable. We human beings thrive on certainty and knowing what to expect. That way we can plan our reaction, make sure we’re landing on our feet with finesse, and come out looking like a relative expert. When we’re unsure of our ability to end up looking like a star, we tend to shy away from taking action.

So here’s a challenge for you… if you’ve been making excuses to not jump off this metaphorical high-diving-board, I challenge you to take the leap. There may be a lot of great reasons as to why you’ve not been jumping thus far and I challenge you to put all of them aside and just jump in.

Now I wouldn’t suggest trying to do a reverse 2 and a half pike your first time out. If this is totally new territory for you, I recommend starting on the low springboard instead. Start by talking to some non-threatening people. A key component to being successful here is to make sure you’re only talking with people that you’re NOT interested in dating. This is a learning process and you’re building a muscle – the conversationalist muscle. Jumping in with both feet and trying to get a date with that someone you’ve had your eye on for awhile is not recommended as your inaugural leap!

Try talking to your Barista the next time you order a coffee, about more than just how much cream and sugar you take. Maybe pay a little more attention to your waitress or bartender the next time you’re out on the town. Break the unwritten rule and say good morning to someone in the elevator or talk to someone who’s waiting to cross the street at the same time as you are. Ask someone in the produce section if they know how to tell if a particular fruit or vegetable is ripe. Talk to someone at the dog park or at the gym!

In order to keep this exercise equivalent to that of you jumping off the low diving board, you need to ensure these aren’t people you’re interested in dating!! This is simply practice at having a conversation with a person you don’t know and honing your skill at thinking on the spot and keeping the conversation going. After you’ve developed a level of comfort with striking up conversations with a random stranger, then you can move to the high diving board and start approaching people you might be interested in getting to know.

Remember, the worst that’s going to happen is you’ll belly-flop and get the wind knocked out of you for a few moments. Ya it stings a little but you can have a buddy there as a life guard to make sure you get to the side of the pool with dignity and pride in tact.

Practice makes perfect and starting a conversation with someone you don’t know is a talent that takes development. If you’ve never done it before, of course it’s going to feel awkward and uncomfortable! Give it a few tries off the low diving board first and I’m confident you’ll get the hang of it.

Let me know how it goes!

I’m sure it’s not major news to anyone out there that these days technology is having a MAJOR impact on the way we develop and maintain relationships. Case in point text messaging. I’m the first to admit that I love texting, especially the text banter – nothing better! However I know there are some questions out there, as I do get asked frequently about the “rules of texting” so I thought now might be the time to cover some basic etiquette for both men and women.

For starters you have to know what your reason for texting is – as there are different “rules” applicable to each reason / intention / intended outcome. There are a number of things one has to keep in mind when engaging in texting – depending of course on what you want the impact on the other end to be. Because it’s difficult to translate tone and sometimes even context, following text etiquette is even more important if you want to either build a relationship or keep one on track.

Text Flirting:

Let’s start here. There are  a few basics to this form of texting. It seems the best place to start is to consider what your intended outcome is. If you’re looking to create a little spice and fun in your relationship, regardless of what stage it’s at, there are a few simple things to keep in mind.

FIRST!! Don’t stop in the middle of a conversation. Failing to respond to a text inside the context of flirting is similar to getting up and walking away from someone you’re talking to without so much as a nod in their direction. If you have to stop the flow for whatever reason, have the courtesy to let the other person know. Otherwise wait for the ‘arc’ of the flirting to come to a natural end. Now keep in mind that great conversation skills are really an art form, so if you struggle in this area you might want to ask your friends for some honest feedback about how you could improve your ‘chatting-up’ skillz.

SECOND, Keep the content inside the boundaries of what would be appropriate for the current dynamics of the relationship, similar to if you were face to face. Don’t use text as an opportunity to be more provocative or racy than you would if you were with the person – especially in the developing stages of a relationship! In situations that are a little further along, there is always the opportunity to go back and retract something that might have crossed a line. In new relationships, that’s much more difficult to do

Text Conversations:

“The Ask” Text:

The Attention Seeking Text: