We all want it right? That really great relationship with a partner that just “gets” us. Funny how even though it’s what we want the most, it seems to be one of the hardest things in the world for us human beings to create. Even those people who manage to create and maintain a relationship, it’s not often that true connection – that “all-the-way-trust” – exists in entirety.
Whether we’re wanting a relationship, in the process of getting to know someone, or actually in a long-term relationship, allowing yourself to be vulnerable enough to fully trust your partner is seemingly one of the scariest things we’ll ever face. Most of the time we don’t even recognize that we’re afraid. Most of the time we cover up the reality of our fear with a bunch of stories, explanations, excuses, and justifications about why we don’t have the connection we want – but really we’re just big chickens.
It’s kind of messed up when you start to look at the truth of the situation… we want to be loved more than anything (I don’t care who you are! And if that doesn’t resonate for you, my suspicion is you’re lying to yourself as a cover up in order to not face the discomfort of letting someone actually SEE you) yet we create these dynamic facades that prevent us from attaining that which we deeply desire.
I’m here to tell you the only way to get through to the other side and actually experience the type of relationship you’re after, is to bust down the wall and walk right through the fire. Sure you can mess around making someone jump through hoops to try and prove they’re trustworthy but it’s not really about them anyway. What’s really there is your concern for one of two things:
- Whether they would stick with you if they really knew all about you.
- If you did let them in and they ended up leaving you, could you handle it?
In order for either of those concerns to stop paralyzing you in creating connection with other people, you’ve gotta give up the self judgment. We’ve all made mistakes, we’ve all got skeletons in our closets, we’re all afraid of someone judging us, we’re all afraid of someone saying “I don’t love you”. GET that the problem isn’t out there with other people, the problem lies within you and the fact that YOU are your harshest critic! Usually when you come clean about that horrible thing you’re afraid of people finding out about, all you get on the other side is compassion for how hard you’ve been on yourself. When you consider that all of us are really seeking to be connected and related to others, and you think about what you’re willing to forgive or overlook in someone else, you can see that compassion will likely be reciprocated to you.
The caveat here being that you’re making reasonable choices in whom you’re sharing yourself with… If someone has said “no thank-you” to you in some way, shape, or form yet you still try to force your way in – well that’s just a recipe for disaster and an opportunity to continue believing it’s other people you can’t trust. In that case it’s really just you with poor common sense and judgment you can’t count on.
Bottom line? You’re the only one who can take that first step… you’re the only one who can choose to let go of your self judgment and whatever defense mechanisms you’ve created to convince yourself that’s not what’s keeping you from the relationship you want, and take a leap of faith.
Sometimes you’ve gotta bet on yourself….